It’s always a pleasure to speak with the lovely Aisling Cronin from The Irish Independant. Her genuine curiosity creates a meaningful space to express something I know many struggle with.
It’s time we bring hidden heartache into the conversation—making it a part of how we approach professional and personal culture and growth.
Here is the link to have a full read of the article if you’re in Ireland and otherwise, below is the full text.
If this resonates with you, know this: silent heartache may be the very thing holding you back, but it’s also where your greatest growth lies.
“Addictions come in many forms. Those with socially lauded results, such as a compulsion to work to the point of burnout or a deeply felt need to engage in people pleasing behaviours, are the addictions that can be most difficult to identify and address. The person who appears to achieve career and personal goals with ease, dismissing all offers of help, may not fit the stereotypical image of addiction. Likewise, few would use the term ‘addict’ to describe someone who is fiercely devoted to their family and friends, making the time to be present and available to anyone who needs them, with no apparent desire to assert their own boundaries.
“Substance addictions can be easier to identify, as their impact on a person’s ability to function, day to day, is more obvious,” says Hema Vyas, a psychologist, mentor and public speaker who specialises in helping individuals and organisations to cultivate a more emotionally aware work environment. Her approach is designed to prevent silent addictions, ultimately leading to more productive workplaces and more balanced lifestyles.
“What can more easily pass unnoticed is the exhaustion that accompanies a silent addiction,” she adds. “One of the main patterns I have observed in my practice through the years is the hidden heartache of high achievers. The pandemic changed working life for many people, in many different areas of society. There are both positive and negative aspects to this change, but the shift to remote working, for some, has led to what I would describe as an increase in cases of ‘slow burnout’. Burnout is more easily noticed when it involves being away from home most of the time – it’s harder to see when we remain within the same four walls, but the demands placed upon us are just as real as they were before we adopted this new way of working. Another pattern I have noticed among high achievers is that they tend to feel as though they can’t openly talk about their burnout – as though if they lock a problem away and continue their routines as normal, it has disappeared.”
Vyas defines ‘a silent addiction’ as any behaviour that is driven by compulsion rather than a genuine desire – even if the outcome of the behaviour may seem positive or praiseworthy to others. “There is a great deal to admire in someone who wants to work hard, for example, or strives to do their very best in life, whatever situation they may be facing,” she explains. “The difference I’ve observed in those I would describe as suffering from a silent addiction is that the person feels compelled to engage in certain behaviours even when they can acknowledge that the habit is affecting their health or wellbeing. They rarely feel comfortable at rest, they cannot cede control, they might derive their sense of security or self-worth from what they are doing.”
Vyas emphasises that developing certain coping mechanisms is a normal human reaction in a world that has conditioned many of us to present our best possible faces at all times. She cites the rise of social media as a key driver of silent addictions. Having compassion for ourselves during those moments when we struggle with compulsive behaviours is vital to restoring a sense of balance in our lives.
“The breakthrough lies in acknowledging the heartache we carry and making a choice to deal with it differently – understanding that yes, this is a process and it may take each person some time to fully integrate that into their new concept of who they are,” Vyas explains.
“A person who has buried their stresses or silenced their heartaches beneath achievement or striving – perhaps for many years, perhaps for most of their life – they may have built their entire sense of self around those achievements, whether personal or professional. And of course, there is great value in everything they have done in life, but true healing comes when they recognise that on a deeper level, who they are lies beyond those things. There is a great sense of freedom and relief in that – but there is a sense of vulnerability too. They will need to be gentle with themselves. Become familiar with a more peaceful way of being. Taking it step by step is key.”
One of Vyas’ greatest passions is, she says, “helping people to redefine success on their terms. Often, it is only in a moment of crisis or burnout that people realise they have been using others’ opinions to define what success means to them. That’s why it can be a truly liberating moment when someone realises they no longer have to hold on someone else’s definition of success. It has made an enormous difference in the lives of so many people I’ve had the pleasure to work with. What this moment means will be different for each person. For some, it may mean stepping back from some of their previous duties. For others, it may mean reassessing their current schedule and finding a solution that enables them to continue serving in the roles they enjoy, while also taking more time for their own healing and self-development.”
Ultimately, when a person begins to address any silent addictions they may be carrying and is able to cultivate an attitude of compassion towards their hidden heartaches, this grants them a golden opportunity to reveal a more grounded portrait of who they are. Released from the pressures that previously dominated their lives, relieved of the need to continually prove their worth, they are free to act from a place of genuine desire rather than compulsion.”